A word

Chuck said, There must be a word for taking something to its illogical ludicrous conclusion.

In response to what I posted on Chuck Said, Chuck said, "Of all the shit I said, you posted that Harry Potter shit?!"

Chuck said, If I wanted to watch a scary movie, I would just finish my Harry Potter book.

Entitled

In response to Luke asking if he could have something from Chuck, Chuck said, "Well, of course. How will you feel entitled if I don't give you everything you want?"

I hope you hear the sarcasm in that statement.

Pantyhose

Chuck said, I stretch the truth like pantyhose.

The Family

Chuck said in an email: Ah, the family (a moment of pleasure for a lifetime of something less fun but probably more enriching if you believe all the perpetual drivel on that show Oprah, who I don't think has any children of her own, ironically).

Hear him say it yourself.

With joy in his heart, Chuck said: THIS.

Click above to hear it yourself!

Witty

Chuck said, A witty statement unsaid is like an unborn child.

Glitter and Sequins

Rolling over in bed after a minute of silence preceding what I would have hoped to have been sleep, Chuck said, Have I ever told you that I have a real distrust for glitter? Glitter and sequins both.

BB Gun

When making a case for why Luke should be able to shoot a rifle since age six is arguably a reasonable time to start shooting a BB Gun, Chuck said, From a shooting perspective, there isn't much difference between a BB Gun and an AR-15.

Vodka

In response to a suggestion that he should just drink straight vodka all the time, Chuck said, If I did that, instead of having a blog called "Chuck Said", you'd have to have a blog called "Chuck Fell Down."

US Weekly

In response to my question, "Why in the world are you reading US Weekly?", Chuck said without hesitation, I like the 'Who Wore It Best' thing.

His Powers

In relation to the last post on Chuck Said, Chuck said, I'm disappointed to find out that I'm not actually funny, but that I just get my powers from alcohol.

I love that he considers his funny nature in the realm of a super power - like he's the funny sidekick on X-Men.

Crickets.

Chuck said __________________.

That's right, he said nothing. His funny factor is directly linked to the status of his liver. The harder his liver works, the funnier he is.

So, if you want more Chuck Said, encourage him to drink more.

Music of Choice

After hearing some girly sounding music, Chuck said, Is that Justin Beaver?

Chuck Logic

Chuck said, Chuck logic is like real fact but more readily available.

Smart Enough

Chuck said, No, I'm not smart enough to do that.

Yeah, I know. I was shocked when the words left his mouth too.

Ugly

*** WARNING . . . FOR ADULTS ONLY ***

That intro guarantees that everyone will read this post, right?

When describing how ugly the woman he hired to work on our house was, Chuck said, She is slightly behind a sheep in the fuckability scale but a step ahead of a stick.

I never said he was classy all the time. To be fair, she really was the ugliest woman I've ever seen. I would feel sorry for her if she hadn't stolen from us.

Pious

Chuck said to me at lunch today, Aren't you glad I'm not pious?

ER

In response to the emergency room doctor's instructions to come back between 7 a.m. and 9 a.m. on a weekday to have Evie's staples removed because that is when they are not busy, Chuck said,

Lesson learned: it is perfectly okay to let your children run with scissors, just do it in the morning during the week.

Rules

Chuck said, Rules are for people who need to be constrained by rules.

Oh so profound. I feel like I'm listening to Jack Handey's Deep Thoughts.

Naked

At 2:19 a.m. Chuck said in his sleep, It's a little different being buck naked in someone else's house.

Wish I knew what he was dreaming about.

More motivation

Chuck said, Or my motivational poster would be a picture of an old man scratching his balls and saying, "If it itches, scratch it."

Looking for Motivation?

Chuck said, If I wrote a motivational poster it would say, "Eh."

I wonder sometimes

Chuck said, A room looks more complete if it has window dressings.

Fire Bomb

Chuck said, Don't put that on the blog or someone will fire-bomb our house.

The Alarm

Chuck said, I have to get up when the tejano music comes on in the morning.

(His clock radio is set to a tejano radio station. I don't know why.)

George is Cute.

Chuck said, George, I don't think there is anything you could do that wouldn't be cute . . . Well, I guess if you shit in your hand it wouldn't be cute . . .


I need a different picture, but I'm too lazy and busy to go find another one.

Are you new or used?

I said, "You dated more people than I did before we got married."

Chuck said, What can I say? I bought new, you bought used.

He's a sensative guy.

Chuck said, What was that? Did you bring sandpaper to bed?!

Petits Four

Chuck said, Did you notice that "petits four" sounds a lot like "pedophile"?

Me with eyebrows raised, "Um . . . no."

Crumber

They invented the crumber for me.

Mother's Day

When someone asked what he got me for mother's day, he responded that the kids wanted to get me "something sparkly."

The kind person's eyes lit up and said, "Ooh! Diamonds?!"

Chuck said, Uh, no. It's Mother's Day, not I Saved The Universe Day.

Berries

The only berries I don't like are dingle berries.

Caviar

Ever since Finding Nemo, I find caviar a little difficult to eat.

Podcast

I don't know what a podcast is, but it's too late to ask. It's like how, after a certain point, you can't ask a good friend what his wife's name is.

Chuck said (in an email)

I would be better off if I didn’t know about the site. It’s hard to perform under pressure. I need comedy Viagra. I’m pretty sure I could come up with something just plain offensive without a second thought, but funny is tougher. Especially since you’re putting it up for the world to see. No sex jokes, racial jokes, religious jokes (don’t want some mullah coming to the house with visions of all those after-life virgins, and who the f*ck is stuck as a virgin in the after-life anyway. F*CK that shit), political jokes, can’t talk about people who might actually read it (your mom, my sisters, my bosses, the neighbors, your friends, my friends, my coworkers, your coworkers, the kids…). I’m stuck trying to write clean pirate jokes about my dad. Maybe you should call it “Chuck would’ve said… …if he weren’t a douche.” And you can just make stuff up. Or how about “Jack said” He’s funnier anyway.

Chuck said

Does she go to Sam's and buy stupid in bulk?

Mother's Day

The Wife said "Those flowers are for me, so don't go getting your hopes and dreams up."

Chuck said "Don't worry. I abandoned my hopes and dreams when I got married."

Welcome!

Welcome to Chuck Said.

This is a brand spankin' new blog all about the golden nuggets of shit that come out of Chuck's mouth. Yes, I said "golden nuggets of shit". In case you were wondering, yes, I totally adore him.

There will probably only be a quote on most days unless I feel the need to explain the context in which Chuck said something. And it is most likely that there won't be a quote everyday, but make sure to check back now and again.

With that said, enjoy today's quote.

Chuck said:

I don't think there is anything you could pay me that could make me want to have a menstrual cycle.