Aunts & Uncles

Out of the blue, Chuck said, "You girls really get a raw deal. You have an Aunt Flo that visits once a month and she's a real bitch, but we guys have an Uncle Woody that visits every morning and he's a ton of fun."

Barbed Wire

Chuck said, I'd rather sleep with barbed wire than sleep with Luke.

Soccer Coach

Out of nowhere, Chuck said, It doesn't matter if you win or lose, you just better win.

His loving, but confused wife asked, "Where did that come from?"

Chuck said, That's a Chuck Said.

He paused and said, I'd make a great soccer coach. My team would be called the Cobra Kai and I'd have them call me Sensei. I'd teach Luke to say, 'Get him in a body bag. Yeah!'

Different Definitions

In response to his wife telling him to throw away all the crappy socks, Chuck said, "You and I have different definitions of 'crappy socks.' For me, if the holes are on top then they're still okay."

I am on no quest for perfection.

Jack Shit

Chuck hasn't said jack shit lately. He's too busy working. I wish we didn't have to pay bills. Ugh.

It's true.

Bug!

In response to George happily shouting, "Bug! Daddy, bug!" and pointing toward Chuck, Chuck said, No George, that's not a bug. It's a mole. It's a part of my skin.

Oh my gosh, I was in the next room and I could not stop laughing.

Snails

While Chuck was watching TV and I was working on the computer, Chuck said, Hey honey! Look at all these snails trying to find this one dead fish. Yeah, it's lively around here.

Ouch

Out of nowhere, Chuck said, Ooo. I just pulled a nose hair and it made my eyes water.

Expectations

During a discussion about dieting, Chuck said, It is so much easier to lower your expectations than to lower your weight.

Naming the Dog

Chuck said, Can we name our next dog "'Tard"?

Why am I not surprised? I can't even plan my husband's birthday party. I suck.

When planning his own birthday party because his wife was too lazy to do it, Chuck said,

OK here's the deal. First, I'm planning my own birthday party and second, I've already referred to myself in the third person. So we can all tell that I'm short on the kinds of social skills that make women swoon and other men jealous. (Luckily I've got Theresa tied up in a long-term contract . Never discount the long-term value of misleading an eighteen year-old with rumors about "undisclosed wealth"). Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, getting older. So I was faced with the prospect of acknowledging the passing of another year without so much as a grunt and a shot, and I thought "I can do better than that."

I'm too old to celebrate the general novelty of birthdays, and I'm too young to celebrate them as legitimate surprises. Let's face it, thirty-seven is no milestone. But, it does require me to renew my driver's license. And that's something. To celebrate, I'm going to do one of my all-time favorite things in the world. I'm going to Joe T's and I'm going to drink margaritas until I have to act surprised that Theresa has to drive me home.

For many of you, this may sound unappealing. I completely understand that perspective. But I figure if this makes you look down on me, odds are you've already looked down on me for something I've done in the past. So no additional harm done.

ON THE OTHER HAND... If you like margaritas, spring weather in Texas, the company of my lovely wife, and so-so Mexican food, AND if you don't mind the possibility that I'll say something inappropriate, awkward or maybe even offensive, then please join me for a pleasant March evening at Joe T's.

On Friday I plan on eating dinner with the family at Joe T's at around 6:00. Feel free to join us at any time. I think the kids will head to the house with Shazza at around 7:30. I plan to leave when it seems like "the thing to do", probably around 9:30. I'd like to go to Scat after that, but we'll have to see.

Please do not bring a present if you come. I'll be very happy just to have you there. I can buy my own scotch whisky, but the kind of friends you can "buy" in that part of town get you in trouble with the wife.

How's that for a rambling dinner invitation? Hope you can come. Let me know if you are so I know what to tell the gal at the gate.

Lots of Love,

Chuck

When commenting on how our nephew should approach wiping poop off of a two-year old's bottom, Chuck said, It's not the Battle of the Bulge. You don't have to have a strategy. Wherever you see poop, just wipe it up.

Princess

After I pointed out that there were three boys in our living room trying to play the Little Mermaid Nintendo DS game by singing "Ahaha ahh ahh ahh", Chuck said, To be fair, my kid is watching a princess movie. (The boys picked Enchanted and were enthralled).

Vietnam

After my sister noticed that the kids had failed to pick up a pile of papers and asked, "I thought the kids cleaned this up.", Chuck said, Like the Vietnam War, they had the best of intentions in the beginning, but in the end it was all still just a big mess.

Kettle Drum

In response to George having a temper, Chuck said, He wailed on me like a kettle drum. I can't wait until he comes in the bedroom with matches and gasoline.

Punched

After falling asleep for a few minutes in our bed, Chuck flinched and punched me in the back. I said, "What was that?!" Chuck said (or mumbled), Sorry, I thought a basketball was flying at my face. And he rolled over without another word.

To be fair, he had gotten hit in the face with a basketball that day, but I certainly wasn't expecting him to punch me. Luckily it wasn't too hard.


And because I'm a huge fan of "that's what she said" jokes, I have to say after my last line, "That's not what she said."

Remorse

In response to his own suggestion that maybe he should show a little remorse, Chuck said, Just like me dating one of the Kardashians, some shit just ain't gonna happen.

He's Never Wrong

After Theresa won a bet as to whether a certain actor from the Bourne Supremacy was also the quarterback in the movie Valentine's Day, Chuck said, So that would make you right and me wrong.

For some reason, it never gets old to hear him admit that he's wrong.

Thin Mints

After opening a package of Girl Scout cookies for the kids, Chuck said, They ate those thin mints like it was a package of hamburger and a pack of wild dogs.